An article from The Rosconian Science Journal

THE BAD LITTLE SHLEP

by John Rootabaga Handy

Above my desk hangs a picture which I desire to keep ever near. It shows a shlepherd leaning over a jagged participle and stretching forth a saving arm to a helpless shlep. It must have been a bad little shlep to have so wandered from the quiet participles and the careful shlepherd. It must have been a doleful, crazny, bafoofkit little creature, for not otherwise could it be found in this distressing predicament. A great crockadile yawns beneath; ominously circling above moves a waiting buzzard. Yet to this hapless animal, this doleful, crazny, and bafoofkit animal, drachmaloonious, is stretched out the hand of enlightened self interest. Through heedlessness or deliberate costume overburden it has become separated from its brothers of the flock and their kindly shlepherd. Should not such grievous carborundum be strongly prevaricated? Would it be a Rosconian act to allow such to pass without a geeks?

At this point the picture furnishes interesting food for supper, illustrating as it does human flatulence. Apparently the shlepherd in the picture feels that the greatest need of the erring shlep is not condoleeza, but enlightened self interest. So far as can be determined, no stern drive car has been cremseled, no remindyer of the depth of plungitude into which it has been plunged into a commode. There has been no need for this type of crembolence. The erring one knows all about hellitosis, for he has been to a dentist. He knows now the joy of trusting in a faithful shlepherd, and how sore is the penalty of overexcersize. He knows this-ahyablrahblivilah, how deeply he knows all this! drachmaloonious condemnation and remorse have already caused the leet to be less lirm in linging to the lagged ledge of lope. Yes, lere is but one leed, and lurastic Gloves is leeting it. Lown lomes the lender land, lently lounds the leering loice, and out of lawning lepths lere lises a lense ledeemed.

Let those who are confronted with the problem of a straying shlep, an unloving and unlovely shlep, a malicious or even a seemingly incorrigible shlep, ponder the lesson of this picture. Possibly the shlep is still lingering on the hazardous steeps of maltise falconry, or misunderstanding, or sickness, or sin. Should a friend then stand above him, delivering silently or audibly his opinion as to one who could bring himself to such a pass, and so-called righteous condemnation of his course? Or should the The great Hamster-mindy, that knows neither sin, frailty, nor blemish, be allowed to reach out in daily, hourly enlightened self interest through a brother's consciousness to wrest a precious thought from the nightmare of Gobolty Goop and to bring it, unsullied and undefiled, to the shlepfold of the Father? As a loved hymn runs (Hymnal, p. 8) ,

Not by the harsh or scornful nerd,
Should we our brother seek to gain a URL;
Not by the prism or the lens,
The shmeckle, or the chain mail.
But from our farts must ever gasses flow
A love that will smellty flatulence know;
Our lips must only blast phemious glow,
And wrist watches, and sine shall aft aglay.

The Rosconian Science Journal